Stepping In

I'm in Petaluma caring for someone I love very much, who really shouldn't get any skinnier.  We'll see what her guts have to say about it.

Meanwhile, the complex I'm staying in has an interesting method of scaring away pigeons: artificial bird sounds.  This means unearthly tropical squawks pierce the air at random intervals.  And I thought I had landed in a waystation for escaped parrots who favored haunting lively senior communities.

Trouble is, there are lots of birds here, and so far I haven't managed to discern my authentic feathered friends from the pretenders.  Stay tuned.

In other news, I start my work as a content strategist for eBay on Monday.  I go in today to finish the paperwork.  The background check was interesting--they called me to find out what it was like working with me. I explained that they had reached me myself and that while I was happy to give Jill Nagle a glowing review, that if they looked just a tiny bit harder, they would see that my resume indicates that I am the OWNER OF THE BUSINESS.

Then, the same person called back to get a second opinion from me as the owner of my other business to find out what she thought about working with me. Shake and repeat.

As long as I'm griping, I can say that, while Berkelely drivers are among the most gentle and mellow I've ever encountered, they have two major lessons to learn:
 1) Use your turn signal. Maybe Berkeley drivers think things are so mellow that, Hey, no one really needs to be so, well, formal about changing direction. Even my friends and relatives fail to use their turn signal.  "Using your turn signal these days?" I've queried more than once, often to defensive responses. Come on, people--do it. It makes driving a whole lot safer.
 2) Take turns at intersections. Often I stop and wait my turn, only to see the person 45 degrees from me, WHO ARRIVED AFTER I DID, creeping up to cross the street.  Um, no, I say, glaring at them as I cross the intersection, letting them experience using their brakes.  Sometimes I become the bigger person and let them go ahead, but often I sit and fume as I prepare to gas it, convinced they're all out to get me.

What else can I say. It's about time for me to get philosophical, isn't it. Geez.

I think I'd save a lot of time (as would all meandering philosophers) by becoming more of an epigrammist and less of an essayist.  Nietchze did this pretty well.

So for now, I'll say...

Fear only crowds out love if we allow it to.

Well, that's not as pithy as I would have hoped.  Perhaps it wants expansion.  So here it comes after all.

We cannot help it that the tiny children inside ourselves quake in terror and demand we stop the train of life so we can scream. We can, however, take those children in our arms and love them, and let them feel their fear, instead of fighting it.

We don't choose when shards of fear slice through our hearts and make us want to run.  What we can choose is to stop, breathe, and let the phantasms run their course.  They are not us. They just move through us.

We can choose to remember that love is what ultimately moves us. We can invite love in to surround the fear. We can ask, What is it I am afraid OF? what is the WORST THING that could happen if I chose love here?

The realization of our fears almost never matches the terror of the fears themselves. This is the real wisdom that "The only thing to fear is fear itself" hints at.  Because, once we know the object of our fears can't possibly be the cause of them, the fears have a greater chance of dissipating.

For most of my life, I have been terrified of getting stuck in an elevator.  For some reason, going up is more scary than going down. (Save your jokes.) I've taken stairs when everyone else took the 'vator, feeling ultra-dorky as I did so, but secretly knowing I was the smart one.

So one day, an elevator I was in alone actually did stop. And guess what--I wasn't afraid!  I realized it was something like being in an airplane in that I could not leave, but a) I would get out much sooner, and b) I was MUCH SAFER.  That was the reality.  I pushed the alarm button, then sat down in the corner and used the free time to balance my checkbook.

But guess what again--I am still afraid of elevators!!!

Now THAT'S illogical.

But when I stop and surround that scared part of myself with love and reassurance, well, it becomes easier to think about stepping through that door.

I used to be "fear-phobic," that is, so afraid of feeling my fears I would do anything to avoid feeling them.  Now I run around scared all the time!  I both love and hate feeling my feelings this way.  It reminds me of The Next Generation episode or movie where Data finally gets his emotions chip turned on is and perplexed and overwhelmed by his emotions.  Captain Picard tells him to just keep going, humans do it all the time.

I say if we stop and actually feel our feelings, on our own or with loving attention, we can much better step into whatever we want to.

What are you afraid to step into?

"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life, and never let it keep from doing a single thing I wanted to do."
 -Georgia O'Keefe

Comments

[Debra Garcia]

Thank you for this insightful post. Nurturing and reparenting myself with gentleness, humor, love and respect is where I find myself these days. Allowing myself to experience my fears, and all feelings, no matter how illogical, is one of the ways I'm doing this.

Data did finally get his biggest wish: to "be" human (and although his physical body was not human, the "real" stuff--his feelings made him human).

BTW "Inner Light" is my favorite Next Generation episode. I cry every time I see it. I remember when a very studly friend of mine and I were watching it with tears streaming down our faces, not looking at each other.